Fatalism Page 4

  When it was five o’clock, I gathered my belongings and snuck out of the office. I knew I wanted Vincent, and the desire that burned inside of me was undeniable. I imagined being with him, how it would feel to have his hands on me again and kiss his sweet lips.

  On the drive home I stopped by Tipsy’s. Once inside, I noticed Jay wasn’t working. He must have had the night off. I enjoyed our fun bantering and wished he was there to laugh with. I grabbed a bottle of my favorite Riesling and a six-pack for Cara. Heading out to my car, my stomach rumbled, causing me to feel lightheaded. I knew I needed to eat a good meal since I hadn’t eaten much today, and with it being Friday, there was no better time to veg out.

  After putting my purchase in the car, I decided to walk next door to Whole Foods. It was slow inside. There were no customers in sight, and the clerks were taking advantage of the down time by standing around gossiping. I grabbed a cart and skipped right past the fruit and veggies section.

  After an hour in the market and poking around in just about every aisle, my cart was overflowing. Checkout was quick, and as I exited the store, I noticed a small chill in the air. I loaded the car quickly, thinking about Cara’s reaction when I got home with all of this food. Since she was a nurse, she always preached the benefits of eating your six daily food groups. In my opinion an oatmeal raison cookie was part of the fruit and grain food group, and that was two of your daily servings.

  The neighborhood was quiet, like it always was. That’s one of the things I loved most about living here. I pulled into the driveway, hoping I could sneak the food in. I grabbed an armful of groceries, and when I opened the door, Cara was on the phone, rolling her eyes at me. She followed me back outside and helped me bring in the rest of the bags and then retreated to her bedroom, still on the phone. I immediately started to put the groceries away. I couldn’t tell who Cara was talking to, I figured it was her sister because they normally talked in the evenings.

  I opened my wine and poured myself a glass. My mind was clouded with thoughts of Vincent as I stood in the middle of the kitchen. I never would have imagined he would’ve ended up being my new boss. I felt dumb for throwing myself at him. I’m sure that’s not the first time a woman has done that though.

  Normally I would have just hooked up with him and called it a day. That was my M.O., to get my fill and never have to see the guy again. With him there was something different that stopped me from doing just that. I walked away with the feeling that he was too important to just hook up with. Plus there is no way that I could ever trust him. Not with the stories I have heard. There’s a reason he’s a prodigy in the field of law and has never lost a case. He’s a criminal defense attorney, and they are known to be ruthless. I couldn’t be with someone like that; God knows how much trust means to me.

  Cara strolled downstairs, looking a little glum.

  “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah, that was Amber. She got laid off today, so she’s a bit down. I feel bad for her. I wished she lived here so I could help.”

  “Oh, no. I’m so sorry. I’m sure with her degree she’ll find something quickly, plus she has the best sister in the world to support her.”

  She smiled at me and opened the fridge. “Holy crap! What in God’s name caused you to buy all this junk food?”

  “It’s not junk food. I bought it from Whole Foods, so everything is all natural and kind of healthy.”

  She turned to me with a package of cookie dough in her hand. “Really? You think this is healthy? I don’t care where it came from, this stuff is loaded with sugar, and it’s not good for you to eat. What has gotten in to you anyways? You normally swear this stuff off.”

  I hopped up on the counter. “I don’t know. I stopped by the liquor store after work and realized I was hungry. I didn’t eat much today, so I went next door to grab dinner, and this is what I left with.”

  “I get that you were hungry and went to buy dinner, but when was the last time you bought cookie dough?”

  “I didn’t buy it for me. It’s for you.”

  “Hah, yeah right. You know I can’t eat this with my gluten allergy. Spill the beans. What’s really up?”

  I rolled my eyes and grabbed a candy bar from the cabinet next to me. I peeled the gold foil wrapper off, breaking off a small piece and indulged before I spoke.

  “It’s Vincent; I don’t know what else to say. I know there are tons of guys out there, but I can’t get him out of my head no matter what. With him I feel something different, there is this craving inside of me for him that’s so strong. It’s like, if I have him once, I will never have enough. That scares me because you know I don’t date. Then there is the fact that he is my boss. And is a ruthless attorney, there is no way that I could ever trust him. I’m sure he wouldn’t think twice about lying right to my face.”

  “I wish I could say something to make this easier on you, but I don’t think there is anything that can be said. You’re strong enough to fight through these feelings. You have a good plan with keeping things strictly business, and with time, the feelings will fade away.”

  I had nodded off to sleep at my computer, not once, but twice. The weekend was miserable and that was putting it lightly. My mind was consumed with thoughts of Vincent. I couldn’t sleep or relax, which just agitated me. All I thought about was seeing him again. Not that it mattered; but it didn’t stop me from imaging him walking in here and bending me over my desk.

  My stomach was uneasy as I kept staring into his office and watching the elevators, waiting to see him again. When I heard the ping, I knew he had arrived without needing to look. Sensing his strength and authority, I acted like I was busy on my computer. And then he was in front on me. He was dressed in a black suit with a lavender shirt and a dark purple tie. Damn, the man wore purple. I smiled at him, reminding myself to keep it cool.

  “Morning, Kane. How was your weekend?” I asked.

  “Boring, to say the least. How was yours?” He extended a Starbucks to me, and I danced on the inside, knowing that he remembered what I liked to drink. As I took the drink out of his hand, our fingers touched, sending a bolt of electricity through my entire body. I played it off like I hadn’t noticed.

  “Mine was the same. I didn’t do much of anything.”

  He walked around my desk and leaned his large frame against it, sitting almost on top of it. He looked deep into my eyes, and I had to focus on keeping my breathing even.

  “We should have spent the weekend together; it would have been more fun for both of us.”

  Oh my God. Did he really just say that to me at my desk, with Portia on the other side of my wall? He really had some nerve and clearly was not used to being told no.

  “Really, Kane. Is that how you talk to women including your employees? Do you really think I would be interested in some womanizing prick like you?”

  He put a hand over his heart and shook his head. “Ouch, Alexa. That really hurt. Is that what you think of me?”

  “I don’t know what to think of you.” I got up and walked away. I needed to clear my mind. I thought this whole ‘keeping things strictly business’ thing would be a hell of a lot easier. I never imagined he would blatantly pursue me.

  I wasted as much time as I could away from my desk, knowing if I sat there, I was in his direct line of sight. When I got back to my desk, there was an e-mail from him waiting for me.

  To: Alexa Schaefer

  From: Kane Mileski

  That was a low blow earlier. Do you really think I’m some womanizing prick?

  I didn’t know how to respond to his comment; the truth was, I didn’t know him at all. If I imagined him on the weekends, I could see him with a different woman every day, lying to them and breaking their hearts. I was sure that I wouldn’t let myself get tangled in to his illusive persuasion.

  To: Kane Mileski

  From: Alexa Schaefer

  I’m sorry, but I don’t know what to think of you. I know your reputation doesn’t
do you any justice.

  To: Alexa Schaefer

  From: Kane Mileski

  Why don’t you give me a chance and get to know who I really am?

  To: Kane Mileski

  From: Alexa Schaefer

  I’m sorry, but you’re my boss, and that is a line I will not cross. It’s hard enough for me being a woman in this business. I’m not about to be accused of sleeping my way to the top.

  To: Alexa Schaefer

  From: Kane Mileski

  Who said anything about sleeping together? I asked you to get to know me better. If you think I’m just going to give up on you then you’re dead wrong.

  It was lunchtime, and I decided to head out rather than respond to Vincent’s last e-mail. The weather was beautiful today, so I decided to walk around the lake. Finding a bench, I sat and I stared into the glass-like water and let the sun warm my body. I couldn’t stomach any food, and I wasn’t about to sit at my desk for another hour going back and forth via e-mail with mister determined.

  I hoped that explaining to him that I was not willing to cross the line of him being my boss would cause him to let up. As much as I wanted to give in, and believe me I did, I couldn’t.

  On my way back in from lunch, I had spent way too much time gossiping with Max, Liam’s paralegal. I loved Max. He was as gay as they came and proudly shined every color of the rainbow. He was a little heavy set, with red spikey hair. He normally styled it in a faux hawk and loved to wear bowties, fake glasses, and vests.

  When we arrived on our floor and came around the corner to my desk, there was an enormous bouquet of white roses in a massive crystal vase with a lace bow tied around it. Damn, he was relentless.

  “Oh, girl. Who are those from? They’re beautiful.” Max asked.

  I snatched the card from the bouquet and opened it quickly. As much as I wanted to throw the flowers at him, I was excited. No one ever sent me flowers.

  If you think I’m an asshole, I’m here to prove you wrong. V

  What the hell? Did he have split personalities? When he was at work in Kane mode he was an asshole; out to lie, scam, and cheat to get what he wanted. But when he was Vincent, he was Mr. Romantic. I was totally confused.

  “So, who are they from?”

  “My sister. She wanted to thank me for her birthday party and present.”

  “Ah, well, that’s sweet of her. She must have spent an arm and a leg on these.”

  “She works at a flower shop part-time.” I lied. I didn’t know what else to say, but I needed Max to drop it. I could feel Vincent’s eyes on me.

  Max sauntered off to his cubicle in the most graceful fashion, turning back to wink at me. I don’t know if he bought it, but I did my best.

  I walked over to Vincent’s office and knocked lightly. “May I come in, please?”

  He gestured for me to sit across from him, “By all means.”

  I didn’t know what to say to him as I sat across from him dressed in that purple shirt and tie. He looked mouthwatering. His hair was a mess like he had been running his fingers through it. I nervously fidgeted with my fingers and bounced my knee. Part of me wanted to kiss him and get lost in one another. The other logical part was starting to panic; work was normally my safe haven. I had control and order when I was here. With Vincent storming in to my career, that was slipping away.

  “You came in here for some reason. Are you going to tell me why that is?” he asked.

  “Can I have the rest of the week off?” Shit I didn’t mean to say that, it just came out. I guess it wasn’t such a horrible idea.

  “It’s a little short notice, don’t you think?”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Is there something in particular that you need to take care of? Maybe we can compromise?” he asked.

  “No, I don’t have anything to do. I just don’t think I can be here with you.”

  “Why, is that?”

  I didn’t know what to say to him in that moment looking at his gorgeous face. My mind couldn’t think of anything else, and my body tightened at the sight of him. What I wanted to say was that he scared the shit out of me and I needed time to push my feelings away.

  “I don’t know. The flowers and advances are all a lot for me.”

  “You lost me. One minute, you treat me like I’m a sexist pig. Then the next you’re telling me you need the week off because I’m a lot to handle? I don’t get you Alexa. Obviously there is something between us. Why fight it?”

  I chose to avoid answering his question. “Can I have the rest of the week off or not?”

  “No, you cannot.”

  I stood and stormed from his office. I didn’t even know what time it was, but I grabbed my purse and left.

  I called into work on Tuesday and Wednesday, spending the days on my couch, thoroughly enjoying my mini vacation. I contemplated extending it through Friday. I had made it this far in life with the power of avoidance, why stop now. The doorbell rang, and I pulled myself from the couch. I was in ratty sweats and my favorite t-shirt. No bra or makeup and my hair was in a ponytail, I hadn’t put my contacts in for two days and pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose as I grabbed the door handle. We had a lot of kids selling stuff in the neighborhood lately, so I always tried to listen and support them.

  When I opened the door, it was not a child standing before me. It was Vincent, fresh from work, looking yummy in another black suit with a white dress shirt unbuttoned and no tie. I panicked and wanted to slam the door in his face but found it odd that he came to my home and that peaked my curiosity enough to step outside. I closed the door behind me.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked him.

  “I wanted to see if you were all right. You’ve missed work for two days, and I haven’t heard from you because you keep calling C.J.”

  I felt mortified to be standing in front of him in sweats, with no make-up, glasses and my messy hair. I crossed my arms over my chest to cover my breasts.

  “I’m fine Vincent. You didn’t need to come here.”

  “I know I didn’t need to. I wanted to.”

  I turned away from him, unsure of how to respond, when he grabbed my arm and turned me towards him.

  “Please don’t turn away from me Alexa. These last two days at work have been hard. I needed to see if you were okay. Will you please come into work tomorrow?”

  “I can’t. I asked you for the time off, but you said ‘no.’ I gave you a warning that I needed time. You shouldn’t have come here.” I snapped.

  My words were cold and pained me to say.

  Stepping back off the porch, he said. “I’m sorry. I was concerned for you. I won’t make that mistake again.”

  I watched him walk off and get into his black Mercedes, without looking back. I had hurt his feelings, and although I intended to, it still made me mad that I had to. I sat on the front stairs of the condo. I didn’t mean to sound so cold, but it was best for both of us.

  Cara was working a swing shift so I was solo for the night. I went in and ate a piece of cold pizza then retreated back to the couch to get lost in my shows. Hours had passed, and I was completely zoned out on some reality television. Feeling tired, I decided to head to my room. As I lay in my bed, I tossed and turned, contemplating going into work tomorrow.

  I know I should stick to my guns and make a point to keep pushing him away, but I never meant to hurt him. I couldn’t get the image of his face out of my head when I snapped at him. I had been really cruel lately and didn’t want him to think of me as a bitch. I needed to apologize and since I couldn’t do that tonight, I would have to go to work tomorrow.

  Sleep was restless, but that had become a habit for me lately. My alarm went, off waking me for the day. Not that I was sleeping soundly anyways. I turned it off and zoned out on the ceiling. Unbeknownst to myself, my eyelids became heavy and I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

  “Sweetie, are you staying home again today?” Cara asked.

  I awoke in sh
ock to the sound of Cara’s voice. “Shit, no. What time is it?”

  “Its nine thirty. Why?”

  I shot up and out of bed, running into the bathroom. “Because I’m late for work”

  She chuckled at me. “Well I’m glad to see you get out of your sweats and get back in to the swing of things.”

  I sneered at her and began washing my face. I put on some make-up and twisted my hair in to a low bun. I dressed quickly in a light blue dress and was out the door and in my car.

  Crap , crap, crap!

  I felt horrible for over sleeping, Vincent was going to think I was an even bigger bitch now. I decided I would bring him in a peace offering, in hopes that he wouldn’t hate me. I pulled into Starbucks and sped to the drive-thru, then realizing I didn’t know what he drank. I ordered two of my lattes, it was the best I could do.

  When I arrived at work, I parked and took a moment to calm my nerves. Breathing deeply with my eyes closed and repeating in my head what I planned on saying to him. I checked my reflection in the mirror and applied a thin layer of my favorite coconut lip gloss. I entered the building and the lobby was deserted, allowing me to catch the first elevator up. Once I reached the twenty-ninth floor, I headed straight for his office. I halted at his door when I saw Portia perched on his desk. He sat in his chair and immediately saw me standing there, holding two coffees in my hand. I felt the color drain from my face; I must’ve looked like a fool.

  “Oh, good morning. I wasn’t expecting you in today,” he said.

  I mustered up as much strength at I could because I didn’t want to put Portia in the middle of this. She was one of my friends, and after all, I gave her the okay to pursue him.

  “I hadn’t planned on it but was feeling better after some rest, so I thought I would give it a shot. I didn’t mean to interrupt you two. I just wanted you to know I was here and give you a Starbucks.”