Zero F*cks: a standalone novel Read online

“Is this everyone?” the instructor asks us while we get ready.

  “Nah, we’ll have another guy joining us,” he tells her.

  “Is he licensed?”

  “I’m not sure,” Luke says, “He’s jumped before though.”

  “Okay, well, you all know the drill, get suited up.”

  The three of us are all USPA “A” licensed, so we can jump alone. I’m assuming Nixon isn’t, and I find a little satisfaction thinking that he’ll have to jump strapped to an instructor.

  As we all begin to change, Nixon strolls in like he’s hot shit with his own chute on and not wearing a shirt. Fuck, he didn’t used to be that hot. I force the thought into the back of my head. It doesn’t matter.

  “Sorry, I’m late, I was a little busy this morning.” Vomit rises in the back of my throat, knowing exactly what he’s referring to.

  “It’s all good, man. Glad you could make it,” Luke tells him.

  The guys shake hands and I notice a huge hickey on Nixon’s neck. What, is he in high school?

  “Morning, Cam.” He gives me a firm hug, holding me longer than I’d like. His hands on me send my heart into overdrive and I tell him, “Don’t call me that.” Trying to think of any jab that I can to get him to let me go.

  “Come on, when are you gonna let the past go?”

  Thankfully the instructor comes up behind Nixon and they begin to talk about the jump, so I don’t have to answer him. I overhear him tell her he’s licensed and has over a hundred jumps from the Navy. I had no idea what he did in the Navy—Conner would never tell me a thing about him and finally I stopped asking.

  I find myself full on watching Nixon talk, which has my insides pulsating, and not because I’m scared for the jump, but because I know I’m in for one hell of a day. Buried beneath the layers of the façade that I live under, Nixon awakens something inside of me, something that I’ve buried for years now and I don’t want to let out…I can’t.

  “You okay?” Luke asks me, pulling me out of my daydream.

  “Yeah, of course. I’m great.” He’s so sweet and caring as he pushes my hair behind my ear. I know he wants what is best for me, and obviously now that he knows about Nixon, even if he hasn’t said a word, his guard is up.

  “Sorry I invited him,” he says.

  “It’s all good.”

  “You sure?” he asks me.

  “Yeah, I’ve let go of the past, we’re cool.” I hate to lie, but I don’t want Luke feeling bad on his birthday for something so stupid. “Plus, today’s about you.”

  Heading up in the plane, I love the smile and the expression on Luke and Guy’s faces; they were born to be in the sky. Don’t get me wrong, I love jumping too…but I prefer to be in the water.

  “We’re approaching twelve thousand five hundred feet,” the pilot says and the instructor opens the door to the plane.

  “Who’s first?”

  Guy and I look at Luke and he kneels at the door waiting for his signal to jump. Guy gestures me next, and I glance over my shoulder at Nixon. He’s watching me, his hands clasped together, his fucking hair in his face. He gives me a smirk as I brace my hands on the doorframe above my head, needing to get out of this place and away from the sexual tension that he’s putting off. My body courses with adrenaline, waiting to jump, and the split second I get the signal, I jump and flip to my back so I am looking up at the plane. Guy kneels in the doorway and waves at me. I look up at the sky, loving to watch myself falling away from it. Guy jumps and I flip over, knowing that I’m already nearing the pull zone. It’s amazing how fast you fall. It takes mere seconds to complete a jump. Looking down at Luke, he pulls his chute, and a few seconds later, I do the same. The pressure whips me upward, like I’m being yanked back by my hair.

  Keeping my landing target in site, I watch Luke gracefully plant his feet on the ground. Coming in right behind him, I let out the breath I was holding as I gather up my parachute and we watch Guy and Nixon coming down.

  Guy is as calm as ever, and Nixon…well, he’s screaming like a maniac, and I’m not sure if it’s because he’s scared or he’s enjoying himself. Guy lands and looks behind him as he walks over to us. “Is that Nixon?”

  “Yup.”

  We all watch as he inches closer and closer to the ground. Obviously, he’s loving it, coming in super fast. His hot pink parachute makes me laugh; the guy is crazy, that’s for sure. You can see the excitement on his face as his eyes are wide open, and the three of us bust up laughing.

  He lands in one piece on the ground, his knees buckle a little from the impact, and his noises don’t stop. He looks around wildly, searching the scenery then screams again, a loud, “Wooooooooo!” As he looks at us, Guy asks him, “You love that, don’t you, man?”

  “Yeah, bro, I do. Jumping’s fucking awesome.”

  The three of us exchange a glance and for a brief moment, I get a glimpse into the old Nixon. Into who he used to be, before he became this version. The version of a man who’s so familiar, yet someone I don’t know at all, and it hurts really bad, because I remember he was so fun and exciting.

  Chapter 6

  Nixon

  “You coming with us to Cameron’s?” Guy asks me.

  “Nah, man, I don’t think so. I don’t want to barge in on your day.”

  “You’re not barging in. Luke invited you.”

  “You sure, bro?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “Well, all right, you have her address?”

  “Yo, Cam?” Guy shouts across the parking lot to her as she and Luke are exiting the building together, laughing and walking all close.

  “Yeah, what’s up?”

  “What’s your address? I invited Nixon to the barbecue.”

  She rolls her eyes and I really don’t want to go now. “You know what? I’ve got some other stuff to do. You guys have fun. I’ll text you if I can make it.”

  “Come on, dude, it’s cool,” he says.

  Cam and Luke walk up to us, and Guy adds in, “Nixon, why don’t you drive Cameron back to her place? I’ve gotta go pick up Macey, and Luke has to run by his parents’, right, Luke?”

  Cameron looks at them both shocked. “Are you guys for real?” she snorts.

  “What’s the big deal?” Guy asks.

  “You know what the big deal is.” Right then, I’m aware that she’s told them we used to date. He must be pushing me to drive her, so we can work past our issues, which I don’t think is a bad idea. I don’t want to fight with her. I want everything to be chill.

  “Come on, let me drive you. I won’t even speak, if you don’t want me to.”

  She looks at me, then the guys, contemplating what to do. Luke gives her a smile, like he’s giving her his permission to come with me, and I roll my eyes as she says, “Not a fucking word.” I show her my patented grin as we say goodbye and then get in my truck. Sitting next to her, she is so different than she used to be. She’s fucking strong-willed and knows exactly what she wants and is not afraid to say it. Maybe me leaving her made her that way. As she puts on her seatbelt I ask her, “Where do you live?”

  “Beachside, in Jupiter.”

  “Really? Me too,” I tell her, starting my truck. She ignores me and I back out, heading east. Cameron has her hands in her lap and is looking out the window. I can’t see her face, and it’s fucking annoying how she ignores me, like I don’t exist. The silence in the car is making me want a nap. Turning on the stereo, I look to get any reaction out of her, but get none, and finally say to her, “Come on, you can’t ignore my charm forever,” hoping to get her to open up. She turns towards me, tears in her eyes. As I gaze over at her, she finally speaks, “Why? Because you want me to?”

  “No, because this isn’t a healthy way to live.”

  “And you think the way you’re living is healthy?” she asks me.

  “This isn’t about me,” I tell her.

  “But it is, Nixon, it’s all abo
ut you.”

  “Cam, I’m fine, it’s you I’m worried about.”

  “Don’t act like you care about me,” she says, wiping her eyes dry.

  “You know I care about you.”

  “That’s bullshit, Nixon. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. Do you not remember what you did to me?”

  “I didn’t have another choice.”

  “You still believe that?”

  “Yes, I sent you a letter and told you what happened to five guys in my graduating class the week we got out there.”

  “I know, I got it and I was so grateful that it wasn’t you or Conner that were killed, but leaving me was just as hard.” I hate that I hurt her; I can still see the pain in her eyes now. “Now that you’re done with the Navy and nothing bad happened to you, is that still what you believe?”

  “Yeah.” I’m not honest in my answer, but there’s no going back now. I’m too fucked up. Too much shit has happened to make this right. She’ll never look at me the same way again and nothing can ever change that.

  “Okay, this obviously isn’t going to work. You need to put in for a transfer.”

  “Why? Because I left you? I did you a fucking favor. Don’t you see that?”

  “No, Nixon, you broke my fucking heart. You promised me a future and then took it away like you had the power to decide for both of us.”

  “I never promised you anything. I told you, I didn’t want you waiting around for me or to end up going through what my mom did.”

  “Listen to yourself! You’ve brainwashed yourself into forgetting the past, into forgetting what we were. Do you not remember all the things we used to talk about? Did you think I was too weak and couldn’t handle it?”

  “I knew you could handle it…but it wasn’t fair for me to ask you to. I was following my heart, it was what I was meant to do. But it just didn’t work out how I’d planned.”

  “So what, are you saying you regret it now?”

  “I have too many regrets in life, leaving being just one of them.”

  “Must really suck to be you, then.”

  “You have no fucking idea, but we both know that me leaving was the best thing that’s happened to you.”

  “Don’t act like you did me a solid.”

  “I did and you know it deep down.”

  “Fuck you, Nixon. You need to stop saying that and take some accountability for your actions.”

  “Think about things. You’ve done really well for yourself without me. You have a sweet job and solid friends. You’ve changed a lot, I can see that, and…” I trail off, not really sure how to express what I’m feeling.

  “And what?”

  And nothing. I’m not going to tell her what I’m really thinking or acknowledge what seeing her again is doing to me. It’s for the best, and one day she’ll understand that.

  She’s silent the rest of the drive. We leave the conversation as is—unfinished.

  “This is it,” Cameron says as I park on the street in front of her condo. I go to get out and she says, “I really want you to put in for a transfer.”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll talk to Mack.” She looks at me, stunned by my response. I mean, I’ll ask him about other opportunities the next time I see him, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to transfer.

  As we get out of my truck, I hear the water crashing against the shore. She’s the same way I am with her love of the ocean.

  “You still surf?” I ask her.

  “Yeah.”

  Following her upstairs, my eyes are on her ass. It hasn’t changed one bit; her shorts are so tight and hug it perfectly. Reaching for it, I grab a handful of each cheek with both hands and squeeze hard—her butt was always my favorite. She whips around and hits my arms. “What the fuck, Nix?”

  “Sorry, I literally couldn’t help myself.”

  “Well, don’t let that shit happen again.”

  She opens the door to her condo and it looks how I imagined. There is a loud chime ringing, and she runs to her laptop and turns it on. “Conner?” she calls out and I look at the screen as his familiar face comes into view.

  “Hey sis! Did I catch you at an okay time?”

  “Always!” She sits right down and I observe the way her face lights up. They are still as close as they were the day we left. Another regret, I live with.

  As they talk, I find myself inching closer and closer to her and then kneel next to her chair as I look at Conner’s face closely on the screen. It feels like forever since I’ve seen him and I’ve only been gone seven months. “Nixon?” he quizzically asks.

  “What’s up, bro?”

  “Holy shit, how are you?”

  “I’m good, brother. Loving being home.”

  “What are you doing with Cam? You guys aren’t back together, are you?” he asks, confused.

  “No way!” she blurts out, and I tell him, “It’s a long story. I’m in the Coast Guard now and somehow got stationed with her.”

  He nods and looks between the two of us. “God, it’s so good to see you guys together.”

  “We aren’t together,” Cameron reiterates.

  “Come on, you know what I mean; it’s good to see both my favorite people at once.” The three of us get lost in a whirlwind of conversation, from flashbacks to the good old days, to how things are currently. Talking with the both of them makes me briefly forget about the pain, about all the bad shit I did and saw when I was a SEAL. Time passes quickly and then suddenly the feed goes out and the screen turns black. Cameron frantically moves her finger over the mouse back and forth. Then checks the power cord.

  “Conner, can you still hear us?”

  He doesn’t respond. “Shit, we must’ve lost him,” I tell her.

  “Yeah, I guess so,” she says dismally, sitting there staring at the screen, saddened that he’s gone. Seeing the disappointment on her sends a twinge of remorse through me. I shouldn’t have let him go. I should’ve made him stay to protect her. Instead, being selfish, thinking I needed a friend to get me through the Navy, I took him with me. I was so young and that was just one of the many mistakes I made. One on the list of many. All for what? Hurting those closest to me and not even being a SEAL at the end of it all?

  Chapter 7

  Cameron

  Blinking away the tears so Nixon doesn’t see me cry, I’m grateful when there is a knock on my door. Getting up and out of these close confines, his arm touching my back as he has it resting on my chair, I head to the foyer.

  I’m glad to see not only the guys, but Macey too. I can definitely use her advice right about now.

  Luke and Guy carry in an arsenal of food and liquor as Macey and I exchange a hug. “What’s the matter?” she asks me, knowing right away that something is up.

  “Nothing. I’m good.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I was just talking to Conner and lost the connection.”

  “I’m sorry, babe,” she says and pulls me into a tight embrace. “Guy told me about your ex. So that’s him?”

  “Yup,” I tell her right as she is introduced to him. Turning away from them, I begin stocking everything in the fridge, and Luke brushes up against me. Peeking in the fridge, “Did you make me a cake?” he asks and I push him away, laughing as he almost falls backwards. Nixon’s eyes are on us and Luke cracks us two beers. “Was everything cool with him?” he asks me as we each take a sip.

  “Yeah,” I tell him, looking into his brown eyes. He pulls me into a hug, and I realize the closeness with Luke does nothing to me compared to the way the closeness with Nixon always brought my insides alive. “Thanks for having this here,” he says and takes two more beers over to Guy and Nixon. The men all settle out on my patio, and Macey and I prep the food to cook.

  “So, what are you feeling about working with your ex?”

  “Hah!” I laugh out far too loudly. “Uhh, it’s the most awkward thing ever. I told him I want him to
put in for a transfer, so hopefully I don’t have to deal with him that much longer.”

  Macey smiles at me, obviously lost for words and takes the plate of meat outside for Guy to put on the grill. I wash my hands and as I look up, Nixon is watching me. He grins and comes in, finishing his beer as he walks, his lips wrapped so tightly around the end of the bottle. Reaching around me, he throws it away in the trashcan. I tense from him touching me again. He’s close to me, my body backed up against the countertop. I try not to look at him, or smell him for that matter, as he opens a few cabinets and peeks inside, snooping around. Pulling myself out of my clouded daydream, I tell him, “Sure, just make yourself right at home.” He smirks at me and grabs another beer from the fridge. When he closes the door and goes to respond to me, the picture of him, Conner, and I catches his eye. He takes it off the fridge, studying it, and then looks at my chest before asking, “Did you get tit implants?”

  “Oh my God, Nixon, what kind of question is that!?”

  “Would you calm down? It’s a legitimate question.”

  “What is it with you and my body today?”

  “Nothing, it’s you…you look good…really good, that’s all.”

  “Well, thanks. ‘Cause you look like shit! You should really hit the gym,” I tell him and breeze past him with a tray of appetizers that I take outside. He follows behind me and I sit in his chair before he can, but he’s not fazed as he sits on the arm.

  “For real?”

  “What? This is my chair.”

  “No, it’s not. It’s mine.”

  “Okay, you two,” Guy chimes in, “Could you try and not fight?”

  “Hey…at least they are talking,” Macey adds and I notice Luke looking down, peeling the label from his beer.

  “Yeah, we are talking. So Nixon, did you tell them that you are putting in for a transfer?”

  “What? Why? You just started, man,” Guy asks and Luke looks at me. I give him a wink. Clearly he’s not the biggest fan of Nixon, and I can’t blame him—I’m not either.

  “I didn’t say I was going to put in for a transfer, I said I’d talk to Mack the next time I saw him. But that doesn’t mean I’m transferring.”