Fatalism Read online

  Chapter 1 Birthday

  Chapter 2 Vincent

  Chapter 3 Fate

  Chapter 4 Kane

  Chapter 5 Avoidance

  Chapter 6 Mistake

  Chapter 7 Rules

  Chapter 8 Give a Chance

  Chapter 9 Bugatti

  Chapter 10 Abel

  Chapter 11 Work

  Chapter 12 Vivian

  Chapter 13 The Past

  Chapter 14 My Love

  Chapter 15 Lies

  Chapter 16 Angela

  Chapter 17 Letting Go

  Chapter 18 Goodbye

  Chapter 19 Connections

  Chapter 20 Moving On

  Chapter 21 Lincoln

  Chapter 22 Surprise

  Epilogue Vincent

  Acknowledgements

  To my amazing husband William.

  Thank you for pushing me, believing in me, encouraging me, and never doubting my abilities.

  As I drove home after work, the sun was setting on the skyline of the Rocky Mountains. It was my favorite time of day, evening. It was August, and I loved the weather this time of year, especially because I could put the top down on my new Mercedes and just drive. It was still eighty degrees outside at almost six o’clock at night. The warm evenings were few and far between with Colorado’s erratic weather, but I enjoyed them while they were here.

  Normally I dreaded the highway traffic congestion, but I didn’t mind it tonight as I needed some alone time to unwind. The week was long, and my work was stressful, but I loved my job, making the long days worthwhile.

  I was a senior paralegal at Smith and Brown; having worked for years to move my way up from being a peon to doing my dream job. Finally I was there, working hard every day and loving it.

  I turned up the song playing through my sound system. Gotye was singing ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’. I threw my Gucci shades on and rested my arm on the open window. I couldn’t wait to get home and relax with my roommate, Cara. Some cheap take-out was definitely in order.

  With the weekend ahead, there was no work, alarm clock, or attorneys to answer to. Maybe we could work out at Red Rock’s Amphitheater one day; God knows I needed to. With work being so busy lately, I hadn’t had the energy or the time.

  I pulled off the highway and took the exit towards our condo. I turned into Tipsy’s, the local liquor store, to grab a bottle of wine. Sadly, I was a regular there.

  Jay, the skinny emo kid behind the counter, was playing a video game.

  “Hey, Alexa,” he said without taking his eyes off the game.

  “Hi, Jay. Did you get my Riesling in?”

  “Yup, it’s on the bottom shelf, that way no one else can see it. If anyone asks, I tell them we are all sold out.”

  I laughed to myself. He was sweet. “Ah thanks, Jay. But really, if you run out again, it will probably be better for me.”

  Jay finally took his eyes off the game as I walked around to the cooler.

  “What are you talking about?”

  I looked at him with a small smile on my face. “I just meant the extra calories.”

  Jay laughed and rolled his eyes at me. I grabbed a six-pack of beer for Cara and three bottles of lime juice to go with it. That girl would drink any beer as long as it was half lime juice. She would smuggle those bottles into wherever she was drinking to ensure her beer tasted disgusting.

  I paid Jay, deciding to ignore his earlier laugh; I really didn’t feel like probing into what he meant. I knew that I wasn’t overweight, but I was not in the best of shape of my life. My mother always told me I needed to keep an eye on my weight if I ever wanted to find a man that would stick around longer than my father had.

  I pulled into the gated community where our Tuscan-style condo lay nestled in the Cherry Creek District, a high-end area of Denver. There is so much to do around the condo, and with Colorado’s beautiful weather, we have over three hundred days of sunshine a year. Most days, when I ventured out, I would walk. I loved to shop the little boutiques that lined First Avenue. The grocery store and Starbucks were around the corner as well as one of the best shopping malls around. This was all surrounded by a mixture of large and small restaurants with eclectic food, as well as other homes.

  My Grandfather came across the condo a few years back and purchased it as a rental property. Tenants were in and out as the years passed. He recently passed away and left it to me. He knew how much I loved this condo since the day he bought it.

  I unlocked the front door and yelled for Cara; normally, she was lounging on the couch watching TV or playing with her iPad. Cara was a nurse and worked earlier than me, which normally ensured she made it home first.

  I set my bags on the counter, put the alcohol in the fridge, and grabbed us two beers, squeezing lime juice in Cara’s before making my way up the stairs to the second floor.

  I could hear Cara’s music as I approached her room. No wonder she didn’t hear me yell when I came in. I opened the door to her modern all-white room. This was her zen; a place where she could relax and unwind away from the hospital. She had done well for herself at the age of thirty.

  Cara was in her closet. I plopped down on her bed and sat her beer on the night stand while taking a drink of mine. Yuck. Why didn’t I just open my bottle of wine? Cara came out of her closet holding two tiny dresses, one in silver and one in teal.

  She saw me and smiled, “Hey, I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “Maybe it’s because you have that God awful music on so loud.”

  She laughed, “It’s not God awful Alexa, it’s vintage Madonna.”

  “Mmm-kay, whatever you say. Here, I got you your favorite and put tons of lime juice in it. Now, let’s cheers.”

  I handed the beer to Cara, I could see the confusion on her face.

  “Cheers to what?”

  I smirked at her. “Here’s to a relaxing weekend?”

  Cara laughed at me, and I glared at her. Finally stopping, she looked at me again with confusion still on her face.

  “Relaxing? Really Lex? If that’s what you want to call tomorrow, because after tonight, all the relaxing you will be doing is nursing your hangover and sleeping till Monday.”

  What was she talking about?

  “Oh my God. Don’t tell me you forgot?”

  Now who had the confused look on their face?

  “First of all, forgot about what? Secondly, will you please stop saying ‘oh my God,’ like you’re from the South?”

  “Alexa Lauren Schaefer! Do not tell me you forgot about Bridgette’s birthday party tonight!”

  Sonofabitch!

  I did forget. How could I have forgotten my own sister’s birthday?

  “Shit, I didn’t even call Bridgette today, and I don’t have a gift for her.”

  Cara sat next to me and rubbed my back. “Don’t worry. I sent her flowers from both of us.”

  Cara always had my back no matter what.

  “Come on, it’ll be okay. We’ll go to dinner and celebrate with her, she’ll never know about this.”

  I gave her a small smile.

  “Now will you please help me pick a dress and then go get yourself ready? Like, really fast?”

  Cara, God bless her. How was I so lucky to find such an amazing friend? She had been there for me through so much. She was there when I stopped talking to Vivian, my mother, and when my grandfather passed. I couldn’t have made it through those times without her. I looked over at her perfect complexion, long blonde hair and aqua eyes. I couldn’t help the tears of gratitude that overcame me when I thought of her.

  “Oh no Lex, don’t please don’t cry. I told you Bridgette doesn’t even know.”

  “No, it’s not that. I just love you. I mean I really love you. I’m so lucky to have you, you always have
my back. I’m sorry. I cannot believe I forgot Bridgette’s birthday. As much as I try to be a good sister, I always feel like I’ve failed.”

  Cara pulled me into a hug, embracing me like that for a few moments. “You’re a great sister, so stop being so hard on yourself. You always do this, and there is no reason for it.”

  She always made me smile, and had a way of making me feel better. “Thank you,” I said and got off of the bed.

  Cara asked, “What dress? Silver or teal?”

  “Teal, definitely teal. With your eyes, that will make the guys go crazy.”

  I walked downstairs to my room, which was on the main floor. I grabbed my cell phone on the way and checked it. I had a text from Bridgette.

  Haven’t seen you in so long. I’m so ready to get to party for my birthday. Love you.

  I quickly texted her back.

  I can’t wait. Just finishing up getting ready now.

  I ran into my bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. My skin was blotchy and my green eyes were red from crying. Crap. Okay, this was not going to work. I put on as much powder as I could and added a black smoky eye.

  One thing about me getting ready was that I could improvise well, and I could do so quickly. I put on more mascara, eyeliner, and nude lip-gloss. I pulled my chocolate brown hair over to one shoulder and did my best to tame it all together, then I braided it down my right shoulder.

  There that was better.

  I walked into my massive overly-stuffed closet. I loved to shop, for shoes and purses, but clothes, not so much. I didn’t like the way anything seemed to fit. I knew I would wear something dark, not only to match my smoky eyes, but to make myself feel more comfortable with my body. I searched feverously through my clothes; they all seemed so bland I needed to add color. I found a pair of gold high wasted shorts and a long black lacey tank. I put the clothes on with a pair of gold and black wedge sandals; I grabbed a black clutch and popped my cell phone and lip-gloss into it.

  I looked at my reflection in the full-length mirror on my way into the living room; I stopped and noticed I looked really pretty. Yes, I was a little curvy, but this outfit complimented my features. The wide cuffed shorts and wedge shoes made my legs look long and lean, not to mention the long black lacey tank elongated my torso.

  I needed to remind myself more often; that I was beautiful, no matter what my mother had said about me. I grabbed my I.D. and cash from my wallet and put them into my clutch.

  Cara came down the stairs in that teal piece of fabric she called a dress. Her long legs, nude peep toe patent leather pumps, and messy hair made her look like a rock star. I mean, the girlfriend of a rock star.

  “Oh, shit. You look amazing. I don’t think you’ll be paying for a drink all night.”

  She twirled around. “Right back at cha, friend. You look sexy as hell.”

  “Thanks. That was the look I was going for.”

  We hopped from bar to bar, paying a ridiculous amount of money each time for cover. We were wandering around, looking for our next spot to hit, when I spotted a place called 9th Door. I had heard some of the people at work talking about it and thought it would be fun.

  The night had started out exciting with my sister getting spanked at this random piano bar and things went downhill from there. The last place we were at was Wicked Garden. It was in an underground basement with stripper poles, hardcore rap music, and far too many people then safe for fire code.

  “Hey, girls. Let’s check this place out.”

  I batted my lashes, feeling a little tipsy while Cara laughed at me. Bridgette grabbed my arm and was well on her way to being wasted. “Sure thing, sis, but you’re buying since I never get to see you.”

  I loved my sister, I really did, but spending time with her was hard. My job had become my life and was one of the only places I felt at peace. Burying myself in my work was a release. Hanging out with Bridgette brought up a lot of the past issues from our childhood, as well as the fact that I hadn’t spoken to our mother in three years. Plus, Bridgette went to school in Fort Collins, which is almost two hours away. That made it difficult; I couldn’t just meet her for lunch or drive up after work for a quick visit. I always had to make a weekend of it.

  We were so close as kids, especially since our father wasn’t around. He left when I was eight and Bridgette was two. Vivian was there, if that’s what you could call it, but she struggled with depression and therefore leaving Bridgette and myself to fend for ourselves most of the time. We spent the summers with our grandparents and those are some of the best memories I have.

  “This place is beautiful,” Riley said as we walked into 9th Door.

  The décor was modern, warm, and all different shades of red. To the right was a long row of plush red booths that lined the wall with a view of the dance floor. To the left was a long bar. The floors were a dark wood and red curtains hung throughout with extensive greenery. The music was eclectic and funky, which I totally loved.

  “Let’s order some drinks and grab a table. I heard they have the best Sangrias here,” I said.

  I’d danced so much I felt like my feet were going to fall off. I yelled to Cara, who was dancing with her typical tattoo-covered meathead.

  “I’m going to take a break and grab a drink. Do you need anything?”

  She smiled from ear to ear and pointed at herself. “Who me? Need anything? Nah, I’m good. I have everything I need right here.”

  I laughed and made my way out the front door. I needed to sit, and fast. I found a bench right out the front doors. I pulled out my cell phone and checked my texts. There were no new messages.

  I could see the girls inside the open walls of the club. They all looked so happy and carefree. I wished that could be me, I wanted to just let go and have fun with no stress. I did love to let go as long as I had a few drinks in me. The liquid courage made the bar scene tolerable. I rested my head on the rough wooden bench looking up into the clear night sky. The stars were bright. As a kid I was always fascinated with them and as I got older that love had grown.

  I went back inside and the girls were still on the dance floor. I smiled at their silliness as I headed to the bathroom.

  I rolled my ankle when I turned the corner. Damn shoes. I was about to fall to the floor before a pair of large hands caught me. I yelped in surprise when his hands kept me steady from falling.

  I craned my neck to look up into his eyes. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened, but this is the last time I’ll wear these shoes.”

  He smirked down at me with a panty-dropping smile spread across his perfect face; he had bright hazel eyes and dark hair.

  “Don’t be sorry. I’m glad I caught you. Are you all right?”

  I nodded my head. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tried from too much dancing.”

  I hadn’t realized he was still holding onto my arms, I looked down at his hands and he ran his fingers down the backs of my arms. I shivered with pleasure.

  God, that felt good!

  I smiled and squeezed around him, I didn’t let men touch me in public regardless of how good it felt. I was all for a one-night stand, but PDA was something I didn’t do. Once I was in the bathroom and a safe distance away from that smile, his piercing eyes, and those strong hands, I braced myself on the sink. What was happening to me? I stood there in a strangers arms feeling completely awestruck. I’m sure he thought there was something wrong with me. I took my time when I went into the stall to pee. As I washed my hands, I told myself to pull it together. I walked out of the bathroom on a mission to get another drink but was immediately stopped dead in my tracks. He was still there. His back was to me as he looked out into the dark club.

  He was tall. Damn was he tall. His hair was dark brown, almost black; it was longer on top and cut close around the sides. It was a disheveled mess, and I itched to run my fingers through it. He wore dark jeans that hugged his perfect ass, and a grey button up dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. I imagi
ned myself removing his clothes with my teeth.

  What was going on with me? I didn’t let men control my thoughts. I forced myself to stop staring and start walking; he must have sensed I was behind him, because as I started to move, he turned around. When he smiled at me, I lost my words.

  “Glad to see you made it out okay. I was getting worried. I thought maybe I would have to send in a search party.”

  I looked down at the floor and shook my head.

  Pull yourself together, Alexa!

  I took in a deep breath before meeting his gaze.

  “No search party required. I needed to rest my feet. I’m surprised to see you still out here. I’m sure you have other things you would rather be doing with your time.”

  He stepped closer and was mere inches away from my face. I could feel his sweet breath on my skin.

  “How would you know what I would rather be doing with my time?”

  My breathing became rapid.

  “It’s just a guess. I mean, waiting outside of a bathroom for some girl who can’t even walk, doesn’t seem like it would be on the top of anybody’s list.”

  He shook his head and rubbed his neck with his hand. “First of all, you’re not a girl, you’re a woman, and secondly—”

  I lunged at him, I couldn’t stop myself. My mouth was on his instantly before he could finish his sentence. I could feel him smile, and his arms wrapped tightly around me. I was immediately on fire from his mouth. I moved my lips over his with hunger and need. A growl escaped his throat, and his tongue parted my lips. He explored my mouth, and the feeling was pure bliss. I was blazing with need. It had been so long since I had been with a man. I needed to feel this again, I began sucking and caressing his tongue. My hands reached for the back of his hair, as a small moan escaped my lips while he pressed me against the wall. I felt his erection pressing in to my pelvis, and I pushed back against him.

  As we kissed I thought about his deep seductive voice and him calling me a woman. I felt myself losing control, and I wanted to wrap my legs around him. I knew I had to stop myself. What was I doing? I was in public, and I didn’t even know his name.

  Hmm, but he feels so amazing.